Many people recognise a painful pattern in their relationships: the closer someone gets, the more they want to retreat. They may long for intimacy, yet when it arrives they feel a sudden urge to pick a fault, create distance, or shut down emotionally. Afterwards, they...
Emotional Regulation
Why Do I Pull Away When I Want Connection?
Why Self-Care Can Feel Like Another Thing to Fail At?
Self-care has become a familiar concept. People are told to rest, exercise, eat well, set boundaries, take breaks, and be kinder to themselves. For some people, this advice is useful and actionable. For many others, it lands as another item on an already long list of...
Why Am I So Hard on Myself?
There is a particular kind of pain in being criticised by your own mind before anyone else has spoken. You make a small mistake at work, and the thought arrives almost instantly: “Idiot. You keep getting it wrong.” You forget to reply to a message and think, “You’re...
What If My Coping Strategy Used to Be Brilliant?
People often come to therapy describing their own behaviour as a problem to be fixed. “I’m too avoidant.” “I people-please too much.” “I can’t let anyone in.” “I’m always overthinking.” “I’m too controlling.” These descriptions are usually said with frustration or...
When Anger Is Trying to Protect Something Tender
Anger is often spoken about as if it is mainly a difficulty to be managed. We hear about anger management, anger issues, angry outbursts, angry people. Of course anger can become harmful. It can be used to intimidate, control, punish or avoid responsibility. When...
Another Thought about Why We Put Things Off
Often when I really need to get something done I find that I don’t. Having spoken with many people, I find that there is a familiar set of circumstances: the creeping delay, the mental circling, the sudden urge to tidy the kitchen instead of starting the task that...
Understanding the Window of Tolerance in Trauma Therapy
The concept of the Window of Tolerance, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, has become an essential framework in trauma-informed psychotherapy. It describes the optimal zone of arousal in which a person can function effectively, think clearly, and engage socially. For those...
The Danger of Relying on the Child Ego State in Transactional Analysis
John Lanchester’s quote in Whoops! about the perils of relying on misleading information provides a compelling analogy for the dangers of being overly dependent on the Child Ego State in Transactional Analysis (TA). ‘You’re worse off relying on misleading information...
The Spectrum of Narcissism: Shame, Rage, and the Value of Healthy Self-Love
Narcissism is sometimes viewed solely through a negative lens—a trait that conjures images of arrogance, self-absorption, and grandiose behaviour. Yet, psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut reminds us that narcissism exists on a spectrum and plays an important role in healthy...
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