People often come to therapy describing their own behaviour as a problem to be fixed. “I’m too avoidant.” “I people-please too much.” “I can’t let anyone in.” “I’m always overthinking.” “I’m too controlling.” These descriptions are usually said with frustration or shame. But when we explore them in therapy, something interesting often emerges: the behaviour made sense once. It was not a random flaw. It was a strategy that developed in response to real circumstances. That matters.

Survival strategies are not character flaws

A coping strategy is usually a response to an environment that did not offer enough safety, attunement, or choice. If, as a child, you learned that keeping others calm made the household safer, then people-pleasing is not weakness. It is a relational skill. If you learned that showing distress led to rejection or punishment, then hiding your feelings is not coldness. It is self-protection. If you learned that being vigilant prevented trouble, then hypervigilance is not paranoia. It is a form of intelligence. In developmental and trauma-informed terms, these are often called adaptations. They are the nervous system and the relational mind doing their best with what is available (Rothschild, 2000). The problem is not that the strategy existed. The problem is that it may now be applied in environments where it no longer serves you, or where it costs more than it protects.

Why old strategies can feel shameful

One reason coping strategies feel shameful is that they are often invisible as strategies. They just feel like “the way I am.” Someone may think, “I’m just bad at being close,” rather than, “I learned early that closeness was unpredictable.” Another reason is that other people may not recognise the history behind the behaviour. They only see the surface: someone who is withdrawn, compliant, controlling, or avoidant. They may not see the earlier environment that made that response logical. Shame can also be intensified by self-criticism. A person may think, “Other people manage fine. Why can’t I just be normal?” But “normal” is often defined by people who did not have to adapt in the same way.

The difference between then and now

One of the most important therapeutic tasks is helping someone distinguish between past and present. A strategy that was brilliant at age eight may be limiting at age thirty-eight. That does not mean the child was wrong. It means the context has changed. In therapy, this can be explored gently:

• When did you first learn this pattern?
• What was happening around you at the time?
• What did this strategy protect you from?
• What did it cost you then?
• What does it cost you now?
• Is it still necessary in your current life?

These questions are not about blaming the past or dismissing the present. They are about widening the range of choices available now.

How therapy helps with old coping strategies

Therapy does not aim to abolish coping strategies. It aims to help you see them clearly, hold them more lightly, and develop additional options. In relational psychotherapy, the therapeutic relationship itself can become a place where old strategies show up and can be explored. For example:

• A people-pleaser may notice themselves trying to please the therapist, and together you can look at what that feels like.
• Someone who withdraws may notice the urge to pull away when something important emerges, and experiment with staying a little longer.
• A chronic over-thinker may notice their mind racing to stay ahead of danger, and experiment with allowing silence.

Over time, the work often moves from “I have to be this way” to “I learned this, I can also learn something new.”

Practical questions to consider

If you recognise a pattern in yourself that you would like to understand differently, you might ask:

• What do I criticise myself for most often?
• When did this pattern first appear in my life?
• What was I protecting myself from?
• What did this strategy make possible at the time?
• What would it mean to thank it, even if you no longer want it in charge?
• What might a more flexible version of this strategy look like?

Conclusion

Many of the things people want to change in therapy were once brilliant solutions to difficult circumstances. They are not signs of weakness. They are signs of adaptation. Therapy can help you honour what kept you safe, while also making space for new ways of being that fit your present life more fully. You are allowed to outgrow strategies that once saved you.

References

• Porges, S.W. (2011) The Polyvagal Theory. New York: Norton. ISBN 9780393707006.
• Rothschild, B. (2000) The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment. New York: W.W. Norton. ISBN 9780393703251.
• Van der Kolk, B. (2015) The Body Keeps the Score. London: Penguin Books. ISBN 9780141979147.