Some of the most important moments in therapy do not look important at first. A slight pause before answering. A change of tone. A joke that arrives just as something painful is becoming visible. A glance away. A small apology. A moment of warmth that is quickly...
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Seemingly Insignificant Minor Interactions
The Rebellious Adaptive Child: When Saying No Has Kept You Safe
Many people know the feeling of becoming suddenly resistant when someone tells them what to do. A request that seems ordinary can produce irritation, a wish to argue, an urge to leave, or a firm internal “no”. Afterwards, they may wonder why they reacted so strongly....
The Conforming Adaptive Child: Why We Learn to Please, Fit In, and Keep the Peace
Many people come to therapy with a painful question: “Why do I keep doing what other people want, even when it costs me?” It might show up as people-pleasing, avoiding disagreement, over-apologising, freezing in the face of authority, or feeling responsible for...
Why Am I So Hard on Myself?
There is a particular kind of pain in being criticised by your own mind before anyone else has spoken. You make a small mistake at work, and the thought arrives almost instantly: “Idiot. You keep getting it wrong.” You forget to reply to a message and think, “You’re...
Why Therapy Is More Than Finding the Right Label
Many people come to therapy with a question that looks something like this: “What is wrong with me?” Often underneath that question is a hope that there will be a name for what they are experiencing, and that the name will make everything make sense. Sometimes that...
Kurt Lewin, Group Dynamics and the Inner World of Trauma
Kurt Lewin and Donald Kalsched offer psychotherapists two very different ways of thinking about groups. Lewin helps us see the group as a dynamic field of forces, roles, norms, pressures and possibilities. Kalsched helps us see the inner world of trauma: the...
Kalsched, Trauma and the Inner World of Therapeutic Groups
Donald Kalsched did not write a manual for therapeutic group work. His contribution is more indirect, and perhaps more clinically interesting. His writing gives psychotherapists a way of thinking about trauma, dissociation, archetypal defence and the inner protective...
What If My Coping Strategy Used to Be Brilliant?
People often come to therapy describing their own behaviour as a problem to be fixed. “I’m too avoidant.” “I people-please too much.” “I can’t let anyone in.” “I’m always overthinking.” “I’m too controlling.” These descriptions are usually said with frustration or...
Why Do I Push Back When Someone Tries to Help? A Gentle Introduction to Transactional Analysis
Some people come to therapy because they are tired of pleasing everyone. Others come because they notice a different pattern: the moment someone advises, questions, expects, or tries to help, something in them pushes back. They may argue, withdraw, go blank, do the...