Introduction

This Christmas, a friend made a lovely gift for her son-in-law. When he showed it to his parents they deliberately broke it. Now, Christmas gatherings can often amplify long-standing relational patterns. When in-laws deliberately damage or sabotage a gift given to someone else, the act is rarely about the object itself. Within a Transactional Analysis (TA) framework, such behaviour can be understood as a relational manoeuvre that invites blame, retaliation, or withdrawal. This article explores how holding the “I’m OK, You’re OK” life position can support adult responses, protect dignity, and reduce escalation when all parties involved are adults.

The “I’m OK, You’re OK” Life Position

In TA, life positions describe fundamental assumptions people hold about themselves and others. The “I’m OK, You’re OK” position reflects an internal stance of self-respect and respect for others. It does not imply approval of harmful behaviour, nor does it require passivity. Rather, it assumes that worth is not contingent on compliance, dominance, or winning.

This position is often contrasted with defensive alternatives such as “I’m OK, You’re not OK” (moral superiority or contempt) or “I’m not OK, You’re OK” (self-blame or appeasement). Maintaining “I’m OK, You’re OK” in the face of provocation requires deliberate Adult ego-state functioning.

Understanding the Behaviour: What Is Being Communicated?

Deliberately breaking a gift can be understood as a non-verbal transaction. Possible underlying messages include:

• An assertion of power or territoriality.
• An attack on the relationship between the gift-giver and recipient.
• An invitation to a game dynamic, such as “Now I’ve Got You” or “See What You Made Me Do”.

From an Adult perspective, it is important to distinguish intention from impact. The impact may be hurtful and destabilising regardless of the perpetrator’s conscious intent. Acknowledging impact without pathologising the person supports the “You’re OK” component of the life position, while still allowing firm boundaries.

Staying Adult in the Moment

Holding an Adult ego state involves reality-testing, emotional regulation, and choice. In practice, this may include:

• Naming observable facts without embellishment: “The gift was broken.”
• Resisting invitations to escalate into Parent–Child dynamics.
• Allowing feelings internally without acting them out immediately.

An Adult response does not mean silence. It means responding rather than reacting. Sometimes the most Adult choice is to defer the conversation until emotions have settled.

Boundaries Without Retaliation

From an “I’m OK, You’re OK” position, boundaries are framed as self-definition rather than punishment. Examples might include:

• “I’m not comfortable exchanging gifts here if they aren’t treated with care.”
• “If items given to others are damaged, I will choose not to participate next year.”

Such statements avoid accusation and focus on future behaviour. They also make explicit that continued participation is conditional on mutual respect, not obligation.

Letting Go of the Fantasy of Repair

A common trap is the unconscious hope that a clear explanation will finally lead to insight or remorse. In TA terms, this can keep people stuck in repetitive game sequences. Accepting that some in-laws may not change allows energy to shift from reforming others to protecting oneself and one’s relationships.

“I’m OK, You’re OK” does not require closeness. It allows for distance without contempt and contact without self-betrayal.

After the Event: Meaning-Making and Integration

Following such incidents, reflective processing can be helpful:

• What feelings were evoked, and what do they relate to historically?
• Which ego states were activated, and which were most resourced?
• What would an Adult-led plan look like for future gatherings?

For some, this reflection may occur in therapy, where the therapist can support decontamination from critical Parent messages or adaptive Child responses.

Conclusion

Deliberate damage to a gift at Christmas is a relational act that tests boundaries and emotional maturity. Holding the “I’m OK, You’re OK” life position allows adults to respond with clarity, firmness, and self-respect, without collapsing into retaliation or self-doubt. The aim is not harmony at all costs, but dignity, choice, and psychological safety.

References

Berne, E. (1964) Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. New York: Grove Press.

Berne, E. (1972) What Do You Say After You Say Hello? New York: Grove Press.

Stewart, I. and Joines, V. (1987) TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis. Nottingham: Lifespace Publishing.

Erskine, R.G. (1997) Theories and Methods of an Integrative Transactional Analysis. San Francisco: TA Press.