The Long-Term Effects of Ignoring a Child’s Wants, Needs, Feelings, and Desires

A watercolour-style painting of a child sitting alone on a swing in a quiet park, surrounded by soft, muted colours and gentle sunlight filtering through sparse trees, evoking a sense of solitude and introspection.

Written by John Dray

I am a trainee psychotherapist working with compassion and affirmation within the LGBTQ+ community.

https://johndray.com

Mental Health and Wellbeing Articles | Psychotherapist Resources

Adult Mental Health | Childhood Emotional Neglect | Emotional Development | Inner Child Work | Parenting | Psychotherapy | Trauma

14th January 2025

The Long-Term Effects of Ignoring a Child’s Wants, Needs, Feelings, and Desires

Introduction

Childhood is a critical period where emotional needs, feelings, and desires are nurtured to build a healthy sense of self. When a child’s emotional world is neglected—whether through outright dismissal or inadvertent ignorance—the repercussions can ripple far into adulthood. This article explores how neglecting a child’s emotional landscape affects their development and future mental health.

The Role of Emotional Validation in Childhood

A child’s emotions, even when seemingly trivial, provide a framework for their understanding of self and the world. Emotional validation helps them:

  • Build Self-Worth: Knowing their emotions matter contributes to a stable self-image.
  • Develop Emotional Regulation: Children learn to manage feelings when caregivers model empathy and responsiveness.
  • Form Secure Attachments: Consistent validation fosters trust and emotional safety.

Ignoring or dismissing these aspects deprives a child of essential psychological resources, setting the stage for emotional struggles later in life.

Common Outcomes of Childhood Emotional Neglect in Adults

1. Low Self-Esteem

Children who grow up feeling unseen often internalise the belief that their feelings and desires are unimportant. This belief may evolve into a pervasive sense of inadequacy as adults.

2. Difficulty in Relationships

Neglected children may struggle with intimacy and trust. They often find it hard to articulate their needs or set boundaries, leading to unbalanced or toxic relationships.

3. Emotional Numbing or Overreaction

Adults who experienced emotional neglect often:

  • Struggle to identify or express emotions (alexithymia).
  • Feel overwhelmed by minor stressors due to unprocessed childhood pain.

4. Perfectionism or Overachievement

To compensate for feelings of inadequacy, many adults push themselves to achieve excessively, seeking external validation to fill an internal void.

5. Mental Health Challenges

Unaddressed emotional neglect increases vulnerability to conditions like anxiety, depression, and complex trauma (C-PTSD).

Understanding the Cycle of Neglect

Emotional neglect is often intergenerational, with caregivers unconsciously repeating patterns they experienced in their own childhood. Breaking this cycle requires:

  1. Awareness: Recognising signs of neglect in oneself and one’s parenting style.
  2. Therapeutic Support: Engaging in therapy to process unmet childhood needs.
  3. Parenting Education: Learning how to validate a child’s emotional world effectively.

Reclaiming Emotional Health as an Adult

Healing from childhood emotional neglect involves reconnecting with the “inner child”—the part of oneself that carries unmet needs and unprocessed emotions. Strategies include:

  • Therapy: Psychodynamic or relational approaches, such as those developed by Stolorow and Orange, help integrate early emotional experiences.
  • Self-Compassion Practices: Treating oneself with the care and validation once missing.
  • Building Healthy Relationships: Seeking emotionally safe and validating connections.

Conclusion

Ignoring a child’s emotional world is not merely an oversight—it is a significant factor in shaping their future mental health and interpersonal dynamics. By acknowledging the impact of childhood emotional neglect and pursuing healing, adults can break the cycle and foster healthier relationships with themselves and others.

References

  • Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books.
  • Stolorow, R. D., & Atwood, G. E. (1992). Contexts of Being: The Intersubjective Foundations of Psychological Life. Hillsdale, NJ: Analytic Press.
  • Orange, D. M. (2011). The Suffering Stranger: Hermeneutics for Everyday Clinical Practice. New York: Routledge.
  • Gerhardt, S. (2004). Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain. London: Routledge.
  • Fosha, D., Siegel, D. J., & Solomon, M. F. (2009). The Healing Power of Emotion: Affective Neuroscience, Development, and Clinical Practice. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.